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not enough or too much. out of place. unloved. unworthy. we've all felt it. sometimes all of it becomes too overwhelming. it's this feeling of: i want to give up so bad but i don't have time. i don't have time to fall apart. i don't have reason enough to fall apart. I'm just WEAK. the inner critic begins its berating. there's always a way to fix it, you are just too lazy to get up and find it. i tell myself get over it. you can handle it. you're life is no harder than anyone else's. stop complaining. get up. get it together.
the reality is that living in defeat is exhausting. i was the only one giving myself such a hard time, while God looked down and watched as i tried to build someone strong enough to face Him. someone to make those I've lost proud and those i'll encounter inspired. someone who leaves a legacy that's eternal.
what i didn't know was that the whole time, this is what jesus was thinking:
i know you've been bent, bent so far you feel on the verge of breaking. just look up, i'm here, i love you. every part of you, not just the parts of you that you show everyone else. not just the A's, the good deeds, the eloquent prayers, the triumphs. when i walked up calvary's hill your name was on my heart. they put nails through my hands and then went for my feet. they hoisted me up for a crowd that looked me in the eyes and yelled "crucify him!", my blood ran down the wooden post and met the floor where the crowd stands. a crowd of my children. i forgive them. they know not what they are doing. my body hangs, unable to hold itself up and all i can think about is you. i wish i could've looked into your eyes at that moment. i would say to you: i lived and i died for YOU. not future you, not put together you, i died for the you that is sitting there RIGHT NOW. let me hold you when your sobs are too much to handle and you've fallen to your knees. let me carry you through the days that you just can't handle it anymore. let me hold you because all i wanted the day i walked up that hill, a cross on my back, was to save you when you are at your very worst. just be still, let me love you because to see you hurt and run from me because you "aren't good enough" hurts me more than any nail ever could. my heart breaks to see you cry over your unworthiness. let me take it all away. i love every single fiber of your being. all of it. the unworthy. the rash. the rejected. the unforgivable. if you would just listen i could tell you that i love all of you and nothing you do could ever change that. i love every screw up, every shortcoming. take my gift of grace. i am BEGGING you. stop trying to earn it. just please take it, be still and let me do all the work, because i will never stop chasing you. take my grace, it is all i ask of you, all i ever want for you. come home, my child. this is where you were meant to be. come home to a kingdom that is screaming your name. come home
someone needs to hear it.
whatever you've done, wherever you've fallen short. He still wants it, He wants all of it. stop running, meet Him exactly where you are this very second. come home, my child.