UNFILTERED

Random burst thoughts, probably came from the notes tab in my phone. unedited and unrevised, stream of consciousness.

kind of depressing but I'm writing this so a year from now I can see that I made it out okay

It's almost like I'm in a pit of anxiety and I don't know if this new self is the self that I am or if it's keeping me from being what I actually am

and I keep hoping that I'll hit this rock bottom moment and it'll be the one that I'll look back on in videos a year from now and say wow I was really at rock bottom then but right now it feels like every moment I think is rock bottom is just scratching the surface and it doesn't really seem like I'm going up, it just seems like I'm going down and every once in a while going up just enough to remember what it felt like again and then it's gone.

the mental vacuum

You leave a group of people and even though you were surrounded you’ve never felt more isolated
it’s stupid a stupid cliche, but it's true
You feel misunderstood but what can you do. They don't particularly want to understand you.
They loathe you but not for any reason tangible enough to take ink to a page, the “stick a pin in it” kinda judgements, subconscious pins stuck in your helpless voodoo doll
It eats away at you enough for you to dismiss the pain while still slowly destroying you. slow and steady wins the race, doesn't it.
you get in the car, turn on a sad song, you know all the words by now, a little embarrassing, and it’s like the world melts
All you can hear is the static from a vacuum running running running, drowning out all the demons, weird how the humming has become comfortable. 
you turn up the music. it can't go high enough to drown out the noise.
I had never realized maybe all the sad people turn the music up so high because they are so tired of hearing their own demons berate them.
On the brighter side, if you are just sad then what can it do. If you stay in this place where does it all have to take you to. The simulation rolls forward as your left in the dust
somehow as the vacuum sucks the life out of you it is sucking the weight out of everyone around you. light. you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be light bc you have become the vacuum taking the dust off of their shoulders 
it’s heavy 
but what are you supposed to do
you’re stuck in the simulation and everyone knows the rules
but you.
look for the book? 
or make your own?

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